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dissolves instantly [userpic]

awh this sucks!

March 2nd, 2002 (10:41 am)
pensive

current mood: pensive
current song: Armand Van Helden - Play The World

i grabbed this beautiful nectarine last night to have this morning... and now i'm attempting to eat it, and it's all crunchy. ::BLEH:: and it is kinda mushy at the same time... hrm.?.

crunchy nectarine = no good

"work me goddamn it"

maybe i'll make this post more than about fruit and stuff.

i think i am actually gonna go to the gym today. i've got a fat ass and should really make it more muscle. baby got back. leigh lies when he tries to tell me i don't. boy, i've got eyes, i can see what's going on.

lack of interest? i don't know. but i know that when i smoke pot i cannot be around some people. my previous post was about drugs... maybe this one will be too... ya, so no "real" drugs for over a year. i feel so... clean. i really don't consider pot & shrooms the same kinda drug as e, acid, coke, crystal.. etc... all those synthasized drugs are so damn fun! but... really do a deal to your body and mind especially. i used to be SUCH a druggie. eww... that's gross... no needles or anything, but i would take all sorts of pills and sniff all sorts of stuff up my nose. ewwwww.....the burn....THE DRIP!!!! agh! it fucking tastes nasty.....ahh.... don't care anymore....... so no more of that... well, i haven't been too tempted to do them anymore.... ok that's a lie, i wanna roll once more. ::sigh:: i'm sorry, but i LOVE e... so smooth and good... and fun ::sigh:: no more shrooms, maybe pot i dunno tho, it really makes me forgetful and slow-moving... sleepy...hrm, munchies?, UNMOTIVATED. so now i don't smoke pot as much as i used to. maybe twice a month? when you compare that to 5 bowls a day...ya, that's really clean! yaaa.....and it doesn't really do much damage either. i'll just stick to killing my liver w/alcohol. no more k for me. haven't tried coke.....and..... i'll admit i have been thinking about it... not lately, but this last summer i was gonna try it. but i don't know if i will anymore just because how i HATE fuckface and what an ass he was on it. FUCK HIM!! woah, where did that come from? ::cute & innocent smile:: so drugs, my past? well... ya... oh, i forgot acid... i'm tempted to do that once more, but if i do, i would have to be in the summer. i don't know... i think that if i do the e & acid just once more that will send me over the top and i will want to never see them/touch them again. mainly because i used to do e & acid just about EVERY weekend for almost a year there. no crystal, no crank, no heroin, no crack, no pcp... EVER!! tobacco... hrm. i dunno..... oh... but pain killers....::drools::.... i don't know how i feel about those. i would be more likely to pop another one than drop e or acid. & since i'm not actively looking for any of these drugs, i think my body is safe. wOOt!!

wow. i was a real druggie. i didn't realize it so much at the time... but DAMN!

some of the best times have been while frying. like that time i went to LA for a party, ever hear of electric daisy carnival? hrm, anyway... i got all sorts of madd free drugs... and i was hanging out w/a bunch of k heads. that was the biggest realization i've EVER had about drugs and people. and that was the MOST disgusted i've been w/ravers, and myself. UGH!!! too bad it took me an e bomb and 2 hits of acid to figure that out. after i made that realization i just wanted to be home, and seattle was SO far away... ya, i took the bus, and we missed our first bus. ::sigh:: never doing that again.

my head is just now FINALLY coming back to me. way back in junior year of high school i used to drink... a LOT. heh, one would have thought i was an alcoholic, except for the fact that i wasn't. perhaps some eating problems? i guess i was really skinny, and lots of people i talk to now thought i was anarexic....hrm. i remember not eating a lot, but that was because i really wasn't hungry. then i tried pot. (and gained all the weight back :P) so, in fact, alcohol is the gateway drug.... so that year we find out that my dad was "cheating" on my mom. she has the papers served to him so that they could get a divorce. and then she changes her mind. i really really don't like her for her decision making skills. that situation could have been handled SO much better than it was. anyway, back in my scholastic life i start to not do my homework, skip school... and turn more towards the b/f of the time & then to drugs after i got into college.

life sucked life sucked life sucked.

then i meet another loser! heh, story of my life really... and that's when i really started to do drugs. rollercoaster. feelings of inconfidence. mentally abusive relationship. no trust from him. feelings as tho i'm 2 inches tall. weak. unsure of my feelings. still doing poorly in school. finally... break up after over a year & a half of hell.............some fresh air...........another guy, this time not into drugs. just a couch potato. i'm nice, help him out, give him 200$, still hasn't paid me back. ::sigh::... when will i learn? that was last summer.

so now, no drugs. and i'm starting to go back into the self analytical stage i was in before all this happened. starting to actually care about things... such as school.... unless i get lucky, and i get another chance. i won't be going to school next quarter.
i've been so lucky, i honestly believe that someone up there is a trickster, but really likes to give people more and more chances.
i hope i have another chance. i hope things work in my favour. i hope i can make things work in my favour.

maybe i just need a quarter off to work and think about things. i can't just sit around tho... and let all my dreams fly out the door. i need to do something.

for now i'll go to the gym w/my sister. she has some aggression towards some of her so called friends. i think she'll get it before i do.

Comments

Posted by: Eli (eli)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 11:25 am (UTC)
You got me hooked...

Remember that one time I drank half of a zima in your bedroom :-)

Posted by: Brad Fitzpatrick (brad)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 11:34 am (UTC)
Re: You got me hooked...

And I drank the other half! Oh, the memories.

Posted by: Eli (eli)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 11:37 am (UTC)
Re: You got me hooked...

I loved how for our first.....80 ounces of alcohol consumption we had to be exactly even with each other....heh. Sarah corrupted us, no doubt about it.

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 12:23 pm (UTC)
Re: You got me hooked...

riiiiiight. i was all me.
i think that in order to be corrupted you have to want to be corrupted... ya, that's it. :)

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 12:23 pm (UTC)
Re: You got me hooked...

wow. lots of memories from my bedroom actually....

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 12:22 pm (UTC)
Re: You got me hooked...

lol... eli, you so hardcore! :)

Posted by: Eli (eli)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 12:23 pm (UTC)
Re: You got me hooked...

straight up :-)

Posted by: the mid-doctor (texel)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 01:17 pm (UTC)

it's kinda tough right now, i know, but at least you're thinking about these things and not just letting it all happen to you. you're smart, talented, and creative... things are going to work out for you- i'm sure of it. and remember, i'm here if you ever want to talk about any of this :)

*kiss* love you!

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 2nd, 2002 01:46 pm (UTC)
Re:

thanks babe.

love you too

Posted by: Oreus (oreus)
Posted at: March 3rd, 2002 12:35 am (UTC)
offical, isnt it?

Something of an offical-journal-type-post, isnt it? I have to say, it was much more fun in the now, knowing why I never got into all that crap, while everyone else did around me; though it still surprises me my immunity to pot. i think ive only smoked probably about 5 or 6 times, and i've never felt any different ;) boredom, was the gateway drug to drugs in the first place.

although.. there was that one time with epinephrine-dextroamphetamine... woo.. nasty stuff that.

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 3rd, 2002 12:34 pm (UTC)
Re: offical, isnt it?

boredom, was the gateway drug to drugs in the first place.

ya... that makes sense. or even curiosity works too...

Posted by: Oreus (oreus)
Posted at: March 3rd, 2002 03:52 pm (UTC)
Re: offical, isnt it?

yea i suppose, depending on if you were either happy at the time, or indifferent. i was always the latter...

Posted by: Girard (postmidnight)
Posted at: March 3rd, 2002 02:49 pm (UTC)
ooo00000ooo....I...oo00oo...

wow, i'm really enjoying this sincere, honest post. i'm about half-way now through it but i'll finish reading it when i get home. by the way, i'm bizackkqqkkkk!

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 3rd, 2002 04:05 pm (UTC)
Re: ooo00000ooo....I...oo00oo...

wOOt! you haven't posted in forevers... :)

ya, i felt like i had to get this off my chest. it's a subject i've been dealing with lately. trying to figure out why & how i am the way i am, and perhaps now that i know how i got here, i can perhaps figure out a way to fix the things about me i don't like :)

Posted by: the mid-doctor (texel)
Posted at: March 4th, 2002 03:16 am (UTC)

just read over this again...

... hopefully now that you're turning things around, you'll find a cute, smart, sweet guy who won't put you down and make you feel bad... someone who'll support you no matter what you want to do, and constantly let you know how special you are. maybe he'd even be a little bit geeky, but that's okay because he'd be totally absolutely in love with you, and tell you so whenever he got the chance...

he'd also be an awesome kisser, spectacular in bed, and so clumsy that he trips over his own feet on the way to the kitchen...

hmm... that'd be nice hm? ;)

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 4th, 2002 10:22 am (UTC)
Re:

awesome kisser huh?... i wonder where i would find this geek type...

Posted by: the mid-doctor (texel)
Posted at: March 4th, 2002 11:44 am (UTC)

sittin' in front of a computer... doin' geeky stuff at work...

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: March 4th, 2002 07:44 pm (UTC)
Re:

hrm.

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