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dissolves instantly [userpic]

i've been thinking...

February 24th, 2002 (03:51 pm)
pensive

current mood: pensive

a lot lately. about what? oh all sorts of things, mostly doing some self analytical work and trying to decided what i'm going to do in the future. i've given it thought, but i haven't come to any conclusions. i like to take things one day at a time, and if i get where i want then great, if not, then oh well. i'm pretty confident in the fact that things come to those who wait... and i've got enough patience for a few people. it's really frustrating that i'm being pushed by my family (mom) though..."when are you going to graduate?" "how serious are you about leigh?"

agh!

just lemmie have my peace damnit! i'm not in school for me, so it's really freggin hard to figure out what i want to get for a degree. ::sigh:: that's the thing, i'm not in school for me, so it's really hard to commit to any sort of schedule. i get so discouraged about photography, and i honestly feel that it's something you either have or you don't, and i honestly don't think i do. i don't think i have any special thing about me to get me any kind of special job. i'll just stay in medical billing for the rest of my life. ::sigh:: all though that's not what i want exactly.
this is why i hate thinking about the future, it discourages me. i think it's the only thing that can make me second guess myself. otherwise i'm pretty confident. i know i can get what i want, but the thing is i don't always want to put out the effort to get it.
i'm sucha lazy ass

in regards to my commitment level with leigh, it's there. i'm committed, but not to the point my mom wishes me to be at. damn catholics. she is under the opinion that it's about that "M" time for me. YA RIGHT!!! i still act/think/behave like i'm in high school... well that's how old i still feel anyway. besides there are so many things i want to do before i'm in that committed of a relationship.

i was thinking about babies today, and i honestly don't know if i could have one. it goes back to that whole second guessing bit. i wouldn't want to fail, so i don't know if i would want to try. i'm not like that with all things, only things where if i screwed up could really do some damage.

too many things to think about, and i would rather not so then i don't have to worry about them.

i go play w/the unnamed baby bird now, and do some french homework so i can play pool w/brad later on tonight.

Comments

Posted by: Your Grandmother makes Crank in her bathtub (sweet_jcs)
Posted at: February 25th, 2002 09:43 am (UTC)
Re: between you & leigh...

I'd suggest telling her you're a virgin and then asking her which convent she would suggest b/c "you've been wanting to try that nun thing out for awhile"... b/c before you give yourself up to your husband you want to give it up to god..

ack.. I was raised strict catholic.. I think that's why I'm so fucked up now.. I would have never tried drugs if it weren't for being forced to go to church and sunday school... I swear... no really

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: February 25th, 2002 10:46 am (UTC)
Re: between you & leigh...

hahahaa...

oh i believe you, honest. i have that whole catholic girl persona down to a T. or whatever.

actually, my mom wanted to be a nun when she was in high school. and no, she wasn't very popular w/the boys... i think that's perhaps one of the biggest problems she has with trying to understand me... because i've always had a b/f... and sex and whatever.

Posted by: Your Grandmother makes Crank in her bathtub (sweet_jcs)
Posted at: February 25th, 2002 03:03 pm (UTC)
Re: between you & leigh...

yeah growing up I had to go through similar things... one time my cousin was visiting Vermont with his fiance and she made them sleep in separate beds.. even though they were getting married.. plus there were times my gf stayed over when I was back from school and we were supposed to sleep in different beds even though she knew what was going on between us.. oh well... YOU LIVE IN MY HOUSE YOU LIVE BY MY RULES!!!

Posted by: dissolves instantly (sahrie)
Posted at: February 25th, 2002 07:27 pm (UTC)
Re: between you & leigh...

ya, i hear that one too... that's why i don't sleep at home much ;)

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