October 9th, 2001



it's so my bed time.

i hope i have a good dream tonight. *crosses fingers*

"These were places at which traders from distant places could meet to transact business, their persons secure in passage and their goods protected from confiscation or default."
  • Current Music
    Ministry of Sound - The Chillout Session disc 2

"you bring new meaning to the word delicious"

I don't know, sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I mess around too much... (And that can be interpreted in many ways)

At times I think I know what I want & how I am going to go about getting it, but when it boils down to the nitty gritty... do I really want it? Because I don't seem to actively try and obtain it. I tend to let things come to me. If I want something, I won't push it away if it heads my way, but I won't go after it.
Lots of times I want too much...

I say I don't want a relationship, so if that's the case why am I dating people? Why bother?

I don't think I'll ever get married. Too many things about me that I don't like when I'm "involved", or that people want to change about me. This is how it is, c'est la vie.

I think about all the people I know. Then I think about which ones are true friends. I can come down to about three... and they are all girls. This is ironic because I generally don't start conversation with girls unless I really like them.

I understand that women's greatest power is sex. I won't deny, I have used this tool. (maybe a little more than I should)

If you are a guy that is a "friend" of mine I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I honestly believe that there are NO guys out there that are interested in being "just friends" with me, and I don't mean you all want a "relationship" but you can't say that you haven't imagined what I look like naked, or how sex would be with me. (i'm not saying this discredits your interest in me as a person, I'm just pointing out that if things were "different" you all probably wouldn't mind) However, I understand that a lot of this is my fault. I am very sexual and flirty... which are things that I could control if I wanted. (and by the way I phrased that last sentence it looks as though I won't be)

None of this bugs me. It's just my madd rantings. Things I have been thinking about lately.

I'm slightly frustrated with myself, because I don't want to hurt anyone that genuinely cares about me and my well being.

This post isn't intended to make anyone mad or hurt anyone's feelings.

I sincerely care about everyone I know & that is involved in my life right now... perhaps this is why I have been thinking of these things lately... I don't want to hurt anyone.

I feel hesitation on whether or not to post this.... shit, what the hell
  • Current Music

hmm... very interesting

In-Depth Profile
CANCER (June 21 -July 22)
Cancer, you are so emotional! A sensitive water sign, you are ruled by the Moon and therefore very moody: caring one minute, touchy the next. Emotional security is extremely important to you, sometimes causing a great attachment to your family and/or your past. Although you initially impress others as very kind, your self-protective nature makes you difficult to get to know well. You see the outside world as an uncertain place, and until you feel safe, you will seem rather mysterious. Your home is an essential sanctuary from the world, a place where you enjoy low-key activities with your family and closest friends. Cancers are notorious pack rats and collectors, finding sentimental value in clutter.

Your tenacity is valued in many professions. Many Cancers choose to work in settings that allow them to care for others or that are involved with domestic activity. Because of your private nature, you are able to insulate yourself from the demands of many competitive work situations. Cancerians also possess a keen interest in money and show real talent in high finance. However, you aren't happy in a job unless you feel appreciated and secure. You therefore try to work with your friends, if possible; Cancers are well-known for obtaining high-level positions that allow them to hire their loved ones! Family-owned businesses are also very attractive.

You often function as the caretaker in relationships. However, if you are not genuinely loved in return, you withdraw and act as though there isn't enough love to go around. An unhappily attached Cancer will grow selfish and snappish, so you must choose a partner who is consistently able to meet your needs. Although most signs need romantic partners who can provide balance in their lives, you are at your best with someone who is similar to you -- not necessarily another Cancer, but a person who values privacy and the home, and who wants a merging type of relationship: someone you can really hold onto!

The way you approach relationships has a lot to do with your early years. If you had a secure, loving childhood, you will choose jobs, friendships and romantic partners that provide you with the love you deserve. If your childhood environment was chaotic, and your mother, in particular, was for any reason unavailable, you will display a tendency to make decisions which lead to addictive, co-dependent situations. For example, you may find yourself in a marriage with a drug user, or in a job where you take on too much just to please others. You wind up feeling used and exhausted because you confuse love with neediness. In order to establish a firm foundation of positive self-esteem, it is crucial that you face your past honestly and examine how it has affected your present. Always remember that you are worthy!

i am worthy
  • Current Music
    Way Out West - UB Devoid