November 6th, 2001


"from the light within your eyes, there's a flame that i despise..."

agh. life lately is good, but... well the school aspect of it downright sucks. work is boring but not that bad really. and frankly, time does seem to go by quicker lately.....

bah. don't lie.

hmmm.... i'm trying to think if anything of interest has happened to me lately, but i'm drawing a blank.

today one of my ex's text messaged me.
him: "I apologize for pain i've caused. Best wishes."
i decided to respond, i mean, why not let him know i got the message...?...
me: "thanks. but why are you apologizing now?" (i think that's what i wrote... i have a bad memory*)
him: "Because i'm tired of feeling bad about my past. I want to fix a lot of things. Some i won't be able to."
i didn't respond to that because i didn't know what to say. i'm not sure if he reads this thing anymore... but i'm gonna post my reply on here anyway.
As far as feeling bad about things you have done in the past, that's all fine and dandy, that means you are growing and have the capability to realize what it is about you that makes you the way you are. I personally believe that it's one thing to remember the past, but it's another to dwell on it. It's already passed, that's why it's the past. Forgetting it isn't going to help either, because that is just like forgetting the problem, and you wouldn't have very much chance of inner growth if you don't remember who you were or still are (or even where you come from). It's in my opinion that life is all about balance.
I was going thru a period of time where I thought about all the horrible things I had done, and all the stupid mistakes I've made, but then I started to realize that without those decisions (good or bad) I wouldn't be who I am or where I am today (and I actually really like who I am and "where" I am today) Because the fact of the matter is I am not who I was three years ago (I mean, there's the little things, but a lot has changed...) Besides, thinking about all that you have done wrong etc.. only makes you feel worse about yourself. Face the facts, figure out a way to cope with it, and then act.

bah. enough of that thinking crap. I'm supposed to be writing a 4-6 page paper, but I don't have anything down yet. I don't even know what I'm gonna be writing about. agh.

i suck.

today at work my coworkers were talking about smoking cigs and the addiciton associated with it. they were referring to notions of wanting to quit because of health reasons, but not having done so yet... blah blah blah... i always here smokers say this crap (i'll just let you know now i have no sympathy for stupid people) well, one of these ladies used to work in the hospital, and one of the patients there was on an oxygen tank. well, the smart guy that he was decided to light up one while the oxygen tank was on and still hooked up to him. needless to say there was some explosion ya de ya de ya da and my coworkers were all sad. then i piped in... "there's not much to say about stupid people" muwahahahahaa.... that shut them all up....for a few seconds at least (that's a long time when it's a group of 4 women) then one of them tried to throw back at me the whole thing about nicotine being as addictive as coke.... all i had to say to that was "you know what, i think it has more to do with personality and desire to stop on your own accord than it does the physical addiction to the chemical. because i have known people that did coke and smoked who no longer do" really, this is rather stupid, the media tells us that nicotine is as addictive as cocaine and what does that do? scare the children? fuck no. it installs this idea into smokers heads that they are as bad as cokeheads. hah. media fucking sucks. (this isn't something that i realized just now, i'm just reiterating it) onward ho!!

now for a little poem....

I open myself to flow...
my life in a pool on the floor,
what brought me to this?
such an odd desire,
my lifes breath no more.

happy no? hmmm....

"On the one hand we can see that it took this element to exercise such an influence at all." -Max Weber

hahaa... my bird thinks there are other birds in the room, little does his small brain know that it is actually my music. awh, le pauvre!

well, i don't think i will be writing much of that paper tonight. ::sigh:: oh well. i hope i get struck by some inspiration....soon.......::crosses fingers::....

*bad memory is due to mass drug consumption (in my case at least...)*
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