February 24th, 2002


i've been thinking...

a lot lately. about what? oh all sorts of things, mostly doing some self analytical work and trying to decided what i'm going to do in the future. i've given it thought, but i haven't come to any conclusions. i like to take things one day at a time, and if i get where i want then great, if not, then oh well. i'm pretty confident in the fact that things come to those who wait... and i've got enough patience for a few people. it's really frustrating that i'm being pushed by my family (mom) though..."when are you going to graduate?" "how serious are you about leigh?"

just lemmie have my peace damnit! i'm not in school for me, so it's really freggin hard to figure out what i want to get for a degree. ::sigh:: that's the thing, i'm not in school for me, so it's really hard to commit to any sort of schedule. i get so discouraged about photography, and i honestly feel that it's something you either have or you don't, and i honestly don't think i do. i don't think i have any special thing about me to get me any kind of special job. i'll just stay in medical billing for the rest of my life. ::sigh:: all though that's not what i want exactly.
this is why i hate thinking about the future, it discourages me. i think it's the only thing that can make me second guess myself. otherwise i'm pretty confident. i know i can get what i want, but the thing is i don't always want to put out the effort to get it.
i'm sucha lazy ass

in regards to my commitment level with leigh, it's there. i'm committed, but not to the point my mom wishes me to be at. damn catholics. she is under the opinion that it's about that "M" time for me. YA RIGHT!!! i still act/think/behave like i'm in high school... well that's how old i still feel anyway. besides there are so many things i want to do before i'm in that committed of a relationship.

i was thinking about babies today, and i honestly don't know if i could have one. it goes back to that whole second guessing bit. i wouldn't want to fail, so i don't know if i would want to try. i'm not like that with all things, only things where if i screwed up could really do some damage.

too many things to think about, and i would rather not so then i don't have to worry about them.

i go play w/the unnamed baby bird now, and do some french homework so i can play pool w/brad later on tonight.
  • Current Mood
    pensive pensive


i cleaned the bathroom a couple of hours ago, and i'm still smelling bleach!!

i hate that smell...
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    massive attack - mezzanine