May 7th, 2002

Hat

stress management... heheheee....

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to
take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you don't know.

I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to
make. I found the number, and dialed it.
A man answered saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "Could I please speak with Robin Carter?"

Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone
could be so rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I
had transposed the last two digits of her phone number).

After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again. When
the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.

I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in
my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a
really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an
asshole!" It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling
would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone
Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID
program?"

He yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down. I quickly called him back and
said, "That's because you're an asshole!"

So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some boy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently
waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.

The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I
wrote down his number. A couple of days later, right after calling the first
asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the
BMW asshole, too.

I dialed and someone said, "Hello?"

I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"

"Yes it is."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the car's
parked right out front."

"What's your name?" I asked. "My name is Don Hansen," he said.

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home every evening after five."

Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call.

But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used
to be. So, I came up with an idea: I called Asshole #1.

"Hello"

"You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)

"Are you still there?" he asked.

"Yeah," I said.

"Stop calling me," he screamed "Make me," I said.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"My name is Don Hansen."

"Yeah? Where do you live?"

"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my black
Beemer our front."

He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying
your prayers."

I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."

Then I called asshole # 2:

"Hello?" he said.

"Hello Asshole," I said.

He yelled, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?" I said.

"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.

I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."

Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at
1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th
Street.

I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw two
assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a
police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better.
  • Current Mood
    amused amused
Hat

too strung up to sleep

well last night i actually fell asleep rather quickly & w/out any problems :o)
it was this morning that sent me over the top.
i was having this kick ass dream, then i was searching for this bit of information i knew was there... but since my mind hadn't created it in the dream i woke up. damn.

"w/you my darling, more peacful inside, don't need anything else to make me feel alive, you electrify me.... and i want to be, in, your arms, for always... for always......"

text messages are nice, make me smile

lately i've been having problems maintaining body temperature. hot one minute, cold the next. it really sucks... cause i'm always taking clothes off, putting them back on ... off, on, off, on... etc.

all these ministry of sound chillout session albums make me think of last sept/oct... which is ok cause it was a fairly chill time for me :oP

today i work.... i'll just sit there and enter in data. weeeee.... it's the kind of job that allows my mind to wander. & boy does it wander! i always have to go searching around the office for it after a few mintues. ::sigh::

bed's so warm and inviting. want.... to..... crawl......back in....................NO! i MUST resist it's charm!!! awh... look at the cute yellow & blue sheets... and that toasty heating pad......NO.......awh..... the fluffy pillows!!!...... AAAGGGHHHH!!!!!!! bad bed bad!!! making me want you like that!

gonzo is such a cutie... he likes to cuddle, but he doesn't like the hand, which makes it rather difficult to pick him up and cuddle him. darn cute fluffy multi-colored bird.
  • Current Mood
    alive & electrified
Hat

W.O.D.

trollop n.
1. [Now Rare] a slovenly, dirty woman; slattern
2. a sexually promiscuous woman; specif., a prostitute