August 11th, 2002


this is long & sappy so i'll spare you now & say that if you don't want to read about me being in gushy love just breeze past this post. but if you feel you want to have your stomach weakened by it, then read on!

it's been a while eh? tonight i was supposed to clean my room so it's easier to go thru everything, however i find myself sitting on my computer writing emails to people i should have responded to ages ago. thinking about things that have been on repeat over the last month or so. finally feeling like i have a direction in life & like i am going to make things work for myself because i've always had that kind of luck, just never used it.

have you had that one talk with someone, the one where they really break it down for you... tell you something about yourself that you haven't yet accepted as truth. good or bad. i have, it was reassuring. i heard the things i thought my mind was saying all this time, only it was coming from someone elses mouth. and it's been told to me before, by many people, but for some reason, this persons opinion finally made me open my eyes. maybe it was that my thick skull was cracking & her words sept in.

this is the first time i've truely felt this way for someone. it's eye opening, heart melting, eye watering, happiness inducing bliss. these downs just make all it's highs so much higher. i feel like this is the zenith. i've reached it, now what i decide to do from here determines if i stay at this point. but i know that's not the case, there's so much more, i feel it. there's this energy between us. it's like he's known me forever as i've known him. there's more to us.

I love him. it's in my eyes, i feel it down to my toes everytime i tell him, i felt it everytime i looked at him, touched him, felt him. i look at the pictures of us & realize that i haven't smiled this much in photos since i was a little girl.

it pains me because we are so far apart. & sometimes it seems as though there is little to nothing we can do. but it will work. karma & love have their ways of twisting things so that the rules bend for some. the rules will bend for me, like i will defy gravity & learn to fly like peter pan. now let me just find that fairy dust. i've got my feet off the ground, but that was only for a moment. because he went back to england.

he's here, riding that same band of energy with me. i find him in my dreams, as my partner. always there for me. just like in real life.

previously i wondered if i was capable of loving. i've had so many claim that they have loved me (which in their twisted little heads maybe they did... if that's how they thought love is, sure) and when i wasn't exactly giving it back, i wondered what could be wrong with me? these seemingly "good" guys are here, but why do i not feel for them what they feel for me.
i'm sorry, but in previous relationships there were flaws i could pick out within the first week, even in the first few hours of knowing some people.
because i could see thru their plastic phony layers. each & every one of them... i just decided to put on my blinders until i wasn't able to cover the burt holes in them from their obvious fakeness. with him i've spent the whole of a month with. in & out... minus me having to work, and after all that time together he is still as perfect & flawless as he was in the very beginning.
he is true. he is pure. genuine and consistant. there are no layers i can see with him. take him at face value, because that's what he is, good through & through.
i admire him.
i love him.

having things in common with people helps when it comes to building relationships. if someone cannot relate to you because they have never experienced certain things, they will have a hard time understanding that about you. your little quirks, however, if you find someone that is on the same page as you, because they have read the previous chapters, then it's easier for you both to take that leap & put your past away and begin again. because you both know that there is this understanding.
i trust him.
i love him.

i say the three words to him, and i feel like they cannot truely express what is in my heart for him. it's like there needs to be more than just those three words. however they mean a lot, as do actions. i want the best for him, i want to give him what he needs. i want to be there to help him with anything that comes along, i want to be everything for him. and i will be everything i can for him, as long as he allows me to be.

this change is amazing. i've always known that i liked change, but this is better than anything ever presented to me before.

now God please, just don't let me parish in a plane wreck!

any spelling or grammar errors made are due to the following facts:
1) it's 130 in the morning.
2) i don't write for a living, and have never claimed to be good at spelling
  • Current Mood
    in love, pensive, open


I'm so excited!
thank you mom & dad, thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i leave here on sunday the first of september at 1120am, arrive in london at 10am on monday the second of september. i cannot believe this is actually happening! i'll be staying in england until the 26th of september, then i fly back to seattle for a few months of school.

then i will return back to england on a blue card & work for six months.

i owe this all to my parents & karma.
now i have to get my butt in gear, i cannot waist time b/c i don't have much of it until departure!!
  • Current Music
    eugina 2000 (progressive summer mix) - salt tank