i think i've spent about an hour there, trying to sleep.
for some reason all my former oncology patients have been on my mind. i wonder how they're doing, if they've relapsed, maybe the cancer has metastisized, or if things are still o.k.
one of the reasons i couldn't be a nurse was because i cared too much about them. i couldn't detach myself from the patients like everyone else could. i took it all to heart, and over a period of time that would wear holes through the soul. especially in that area of care. too many coming & going. faced death regularly, and how do you deal with that? i couldn't.
maybe if i had worked in orthepedics i could have stuck with it. who knows, i sure don't want to go back, that's for sure.
this was all prompted because a coworkers family friend is dying. now i can't get all these people out of my head. sometimes i feel like i abandonded them, but i think they understand. i was told by many of the patients that i would make an excellent nurse, and i guess it's because of that that i couldn't do it. because, to me, an excellent nurse listens & cares & does what he/she can for their patient.
and that's more than i can give without feeling drained by the end of the day.
i still need me in order to be me.
i just hope that getting all this "out" will help me go to sleep. sometimes i feel like visiting, just to see who's still there, and who's moved on.
but i don't think i want to know. i would rather pretend that everyone is o.k. & right where i left them.