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dissolves instantly [userpic]

my whine session

November 25th, 2002 (11:14 pm)

current mood: confused

for some reason my feeling ill lately doesn't surprise me. i think it has something to do with the amount of stress i'm going thru.

it's getting to the point where i wanna just throw my hands up in the air & say
fuck it

what's the point? i hate living with stress, and that's all school does to me, stress me out. i'm happy go lucky without it. it's not going to get me anywhere but in debt anyway. it's not like what i *ideally* want to do with my life (as far as a career goes) requires that i have any sort of formal education or schooling. you either got it or ya don't.
all continuing with school will do is give me some facilities to make use of for the few years i'll have there. then i'll be faced with the same problem, granted i'll have a stupid piece of paper, but my progress at my current job field will have been cut back, and i won't be making as much as if i just stay put.

the first two weeks of december are going to determine the direction for my life over the next few years. it's been in suspension these last few months, and i'm getting really sick of it. it's stressing me out and i'm losing my mind. i sleep too much, i don't eat and i have a hard time focusing on anything. i'm becoming depressed and my self image is disapating.

i'm stressing over nearly every aspect of my life.
i'm going to end up with cancer at this rate.
i just want to have a simple & meaningful life. i don't want to be plagued with money grubing hands & detatchment.

maybe i don't want my my photography to be work. maybe i need it as my outlet... just as Henri Cartier-Bresson had painting as his outlet from photography.
this could be the wrong path for me. i could be pushing myself for something i can have, but once achieved may have a sour taste for. i don't want that.


i need a hug from one specific person, but i can't have that hug until who knows when.
::sigh:: damn eyes have sprung a leak.

one another note: i don't like this time of the year.


Posted by: Saturn | Ascends (djuri)
Posted at: November 26th, 2002 05:58 am (UTC)

confusion is a healthy natural reaction when it comes to what you want to do in life, but being scared is something entirely different. I randomly go through phases where I still feel I'm completely lost with what direction I'm going to be headed in. Living life is all about experiences, both good and bad, and you shouldn't shy away from something if you feel a passion for it because you're afraid it will come back to haunt you. If you want to delve into photography, I say head into that direction. If it's ultimately what you don't want to do, then you can steer yourself in an adjacent [or opposite] direction...

I think it helps if you look at it this way: Life is just an empty canvas, and you are the painter. You are the creator of whatever is put onto that canvas, and in the end, it will be you thats looking at that work of art and seeing your mind, body, and soul upon that canvas.

Posted by: Emotion is like a happy little retarded kid! (spikdangel)
Posted at: December 8th, 2002 02:23 am (UTC)

Come back! =(

Posted by: Пётр Кириллович Безухов (aka Greg "Skid Rowe") (paris_of_priam)
Posted at: December 16th, 2002 05:12 am (UTC)

Hey, where did you go?

Posted by: Пётр Кириллович Безухов (aka Greg "Skid Rowe") (paris_of_priam)
Posted at: January 8th, 2003 01:04 am (UTC)


(In case you couldn't tell, that was my Stanley Kowalski impersonation, from 'A Streetcar Named Desire.')

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