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"you bring new meaning to the word delicious"

October 9th, 2001 (04:51 pm)
pensive

current mood: pensive
current song: misc.

I don't know, sometimes I wonder what the fuck I'm doing. I mess around too much... (And that can be interpreted in many ways)

At times I think I know what I want & how I am going to go about getting it, but when it boils down to the nitty gritty... do I really want it? Because I don't seem to actively try and obtain it. I tend to let things come to me. If I want something, I won't push it away if it heads my way, but I won't go after it.
Lots of times I want too much...

I say I don't want a relationship, so if that's the case why am I dating people? Why bother?

I don't think I'll ever get married. Too many things about me that I don't like when I'm "involved", or that people want to change about me. This is how it is, c'est la vie.

I think about all the people I know. Then I think about which ones are true friends. I can come down to about three... and they are all girls. This is ironic because I generally don't start conversation with girls unless I really like them.

I understand that women's greatest power is sex. I won't deny, I have used this tool. (maybe a little more than I should)

If you are a guy that is a "friend" of mine I don't want you to take this the wrong way, but I honestly believe that there are NO guys out there that are interested in being "just friends" with me, and I don't mean you all want a "relationship" but you can't say that you haven't imagined what I look like naked, or how sex would be with me. (i'm not saying this discredits your interest in me as a person, I'm just pointing out that if things were "different" you all probably wouldn't mind) However, I understand that a lot of this is my fault. I am very sexual and flirty... which are things that I could control if I wanted. (and by the way I phrased that last sentence it looks as though I won't be)

None of this bugs me. It's just my madd rantings. Things I have been thinking about lately.

I'm slightly frustrated with myself, because I don't want to hurt anyone that genuinely cares about me and my well being.

This post isn't intended to make anyone mad or hurt anyone's feelings.

I sincerely care about everyone I know & that is involved in my life right now... perhaps this is why I have been thinking of these things lately... I don't want to hurt anyone.

I feel hesitation on whether or not to post this.... shit, what the hell

Comments

Posted by: the mid-doctor (texel)
Posted at: October 10th, 2001 02:20 am (UTC)

Reminds me of a question that Devon brought up in one of his posts a few days ago. I've actually thought about the dynamics of "platonic" friendships with the opposite sex quite a bit throughout the past few years, just because it *is * so weird- it doesn't seem like it should actually be able to work. Maybe I can clarify a few things, though...

You seem to think that all your guy "friends" want to see you naked, etc... This is probably true for the most part, and every good looking girl has *got* to know this on some level. Few actually have the insight to admit it to themselves though. What you have to realize, though, is that while you may be flirty, it's still not your fault that guys see you in this way. In fact, it's kind of an intrinsic characteristic which isn't really affected by how you act, or how good of friends you are with someone. The simple truth is, if I or any other guy reading this (say, Joe, for instance) walked out into the quad during a class break, we'd see 50 girls who we'd instantly feel the same way about, on a totally visceral level. They've never said one word to us in their lives, we don't even know their names, but it doesn't matter, because they're hot girls, and we're guys. The obvious offshoot of this is that we have no expectations of anything special happening with every attractive girl we're friends with... it's just par for the course at this point.

Some girls, knowing that everyone thinks they're beautiful, resent the attention and instantly doubt people's intentions... they can be quite defensive and mean as well. My friend Tamara told me that she wishes she could just be ugly, so she knew that anyone who liked her did so for only her personality. I say that's BS, and I'm pretty sure you'll agree with me... the advantages of being attractive far outweigh any negatives. As you said, none of this really bothers you, and that's cool- don't let it bother you, and keep being honest with people about where you're coming from. If you do that, you should be able to avoid inadvertantly hurting anyone's feelings.

Posted by: the mid-doctor (texel)
Posted at: December 12th, 2001 01:46 am (UTC)

oh, and i enjoy seein' you nekkid.

Posted by: tallPaul: 492 Peanuts (tallp_ll)
Posted at: October 10th, 2001 08:12 am (UTC)

you're a girl?

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